第3部分(第2/5 頁)

　one　child　has　made　in　my　life；　and　I　know　that　what　I　have　experienced　so　far　is　only　a　glimpse；　the　barest　hint；　of　all　you　went　through　raising　us。

“You　learn　to　sacrifice　when　you　have　children。”　was　one　of　your　stock　phrases　when　I　was　growing　up。　To　you；　sacrifice　was　a　necessary　virtue；　an　accepted　part　of　parenthood。　But　I　didn’t　go　for　that。　I　considered　sacrifice1　not　only　unnecessary；　but　unfashionable　and　downright　unappealing　as　well。

Well；　Mom；　what　can　I　say？　I’m　learning。

Lately；　I’ve　begun　to　look　on　motherhood　as　an　initiation　into　“real　life”。　I　don’t　think　I　realized　until　Jana’s　birth　that　the　life　I’d　led　previously—relatively　free；　easy；　and　affluent—is　not　the　life　led　by　most　people—past　or　present。　By　being　a　mother；　I　seem　to　have　acquired　automatic　membership　into　a　universal　club　made　up　of　uncertainties　and　vulnerabilities。　limitations　and　difficulties；　and　sometimes；　unsolvable　problems。　Of　course；　the　club　has　its　benefits；　too。

親愛的母親（3）

When　Jana　wakes　from　her　afternoon　nap　and；　so　happy　to　see　me；　gives　me　her　radiant　full…face　smile；　I　smile　back　and　feel　on　my　own　face　the　smile　you　used　to　give　me　when　I　woke　up　in　the　morning。　Or；　when　Jana　does　something　particularly　cute；　I’ll　glance　up　at　Gary；　and　in　the　look　we　exchange　I　see　the　one　I　remember　crossing　between　you　and　dad　at　opposite　ends　of　the　dinner　table。　It　was　a　look　full　of　feelings　I　never　knew　until　now。

When　I　hold　Jana　close　to　me　and　look　down　to　see　my　hand　tight　across　her　chest。　Or　when　I　tuck　a　blanket　around　her　while　she　sleeps　and　touch　the　skin　of　her　cheek。　I　see　your　hands　（those　hardworking　hands　with　their　smooth　oval　nails； steady　and　capable　and　caring）　doing　the　same　things。　Then　I　feel　as　if　some　of　the　lo