第12部分(第2/6 頁)

growth　on　my　chin。　Cancer　taught　me　that。　Suffering；　I　learned；　is　as　essential　to　a　good　life；　and　as　inextricable2　as　bliss。

Before　cancer；　whatever　I　imagined　happiness　to　be；　pretty　soon　I　wore　it　out；　took　it　for　granted　or　threw　it　away。　A　portfolio；　a　Porsche；　a　coffee　machine—these　things　were　important　to　me。　So　was　my　hair。　Then　I　lost　them；　including　the　hair。

When　I　was　25；　I　was　diagnosed　with　advanced　testicular　cancer；　which　had　metastasized　into　my　lungs　and　brain。　I　sold　my　car；　gave　up　my　career　as　a　world…　class　cyclist；　lost　a　good　deal　of　money　and　barely　hung　on　to　my　life。　When　I　went　into　remission；　I　thought　happiness　would　mean　being　self…indulgent。　Not　knowing　how　much　time　I　had　left；　I　did　not　intent　to　suffer　ever　again。

I　had　suffered　months　of　fear；　chemotherapy　so　strong　it　left　burn…like　marks　under　my　skin　and　surgery　to　remove　two　tumours。　Happiness　to　me　then　was　waking　up。　I　ate　Mexican　food；　played　golf　and　lay　on　the　couch。　The　pursuit　of　happiness　meant　going　to　my　favorite　restaurant　and　pursuing　a　plate　of　enchiladas　with　tomatillo　sauce。

Two　events　changed　me。　The　first　happened　one　night　at　dinner。　My　wife　Kristin　put　down　her　fork　and　said；　“You　need　to　decide　something：　are　you　going　to　be　a　golf…playing；　beer…drinking；　Mexican…food…eating　slob　for　the　rest　of　your　life？　If　you　are；　I’ll　still　love　you。　But　I　need　to　know　because；　if　so；　I’ll　go　and　get　a　job。　I’m　not　going　to　sit　at　home　while　you　play　golf。”

I　stared　at　her。

“I’m　so　bored。”she　said。

Suddenly　I　understood　that　I　was　bored　too。　Bored　and　purposeless。　I　realized　that　responsibility；　the　routines　and　habits　of　shaving　in　the　morning；　having　a　job　to　do　and　a　wife　to　love—these　were　the　things　that　tied　my　days