第20部分(第5/7 頁)

cal　mechanism；　I　shall　straightway　be　deranged　in　my　wits；　and　behold　that　Something　in　me　which　〃partakes　of　the　eternal〃　prompting　me　to　pranks　which　savour　little　of　the　infinite　wisdom。　Even　in　its　normal　condition　（if　I　can　determine　what　that　is）　my　mind　is　obviously　the　slave　of　trivial　accidents；　I　eat　something　that　disagrees　with　me；　and　of　a　sudden　the　whole　aspect　of　life　is　changed；　this　impulse　has　lost　its　force；　and　another　which　before　I　should　not　for　a　moment　have　entertained；　is　all…powerful　over　me。　In　short；　I　know　just　as　little　about　myself　as　I　do　about　the　Eternal　Essence；　and　I　have　a　haunting　suspicion　that　I　may　be　a　mere　automaton；　my　every　thought　and　act　due　to　some　power　which　uses　and　deceives　me。

Why　am　I　meditating　thus；　instead　of　enjoying　the　life　of　the　natural　man；　at　peace　with　himself　and　the　world；　as　I　was　a　day　or　two　ago？　Merely；　it　is　evident；　because　my　health　has　suffered　a　temporary　disorder。　It　has　passed；　I　have　thought　enough　about　the　unthinkable；　I　feel　my　quiet　returning。　Is　it　any　merit　of　mine　that　I　begin　to　be　in　health　once　more？　Could　I；　by　any　effort　of　the　will；　have　shunned　this　pitfall？

XV

Blackberries　hanging　thick　upon　the　hedge　bring　to　my　memory　something　of　long　ago。　I　had　somehow　escaped　into　the　country；　and　on　a　long　walk　began　to　feel　mid…day　hunger。　The　wayside　brambles　were　fruiting；　I　picked　and　ate；　and　ate　on；　until　I　had　e　within　sight　of　an　inn　where　I　might　have　made　a　meal。　But　my　hunger　was　satisfied；　I　had　no　need　of　anything　more；　and；　as　I　thought　of　it；　a　strange　feeling　of　surprise；　a　sort　of　bewilderment；　came　upon　me。　What！　Could　it　be　that　I　had　eaten；　and　eaten　sufficiently；　WITHOUT　PAYING？　It　struck　me　as　an　extraordinary　thing。　At　that　time；　my　ceaseless