第23部分(第4/7 頁)

o　life　as　to　a　practically　endless　career；　I；　who　was　so　vigorous　and　scornful；　have　e　to　this　day　of　definite　retrospect？　How　is　it　possible？　But；　I　have　done　nothing；　I　have　had　no　time；　I　have　only　been　preparing　myself……a　mere　apprentice　to　life。　My　brain　is　at　some　prank；　I　am　suffering　a　momentary　delusion；　I　shall　shake　myself；　and　return　to　mon　sense……to　my　schemes　and　activities　and　eager　enjoyments。

Nevertheless；　my　life　is　over。

What　a　little　thing！　I　knew　how　the　philosophers　had　spoken；　I　repeated　their　musical　phrases　about　the　mortal　span……yet　never　till　now　believed　them。　And　this　is　all？　A　man's　life　can　be　so　brief　and　so　vain？　Idly　would　I　persuade　myself　that　life；　in　the　true　sense；　is　only　now　beginning；　that　the　time　of　sweat　and　fear　was　not　life　at　all；　and　that　it　now　only　depends　upon　my　will　to　lead　a　worthy　existence。　That　may　be　a　sort　of　consolation；　but　it　does　not　obscure　the　truth　that　I　shall　never　again　see　possibilities　and　promises　opening　before　me。　I　have　〃retired；〃　and　for　me　as　truly　as　for　the　retired　tradesman；　life　is　over。　I　can　look　back　upon　its　pleted　course；　and　what　a　little　thing！　I　am　tempted　to　laugh；　I　hold　myself　within　the　limit　of　a　smile。

And　that　is　best；　to　smile；　not　in　scorn；　but　in　all　forbearance；　without　too　much　self…passion。　After　all；　that　dreadful　aspect　of　the　thing　never　really　took　hold　of　me；　I　could　put　it　by　without　much　effort。　Life　is　done……and　what　matter？　Whether　it　has　been；　in　sum；　painful　or　enjoyable；　even　now　I　cannot　say……a　fact　which　in　itself　should　prevent　me　from　taking　the　loss　too　seriously。　What　does　it　matter？　Destiny　with　the　hidden　face　decreed　that　I　should　e　into　being；　play　my　little　part；　and　pass　again　into　silence；　is　it　mine　either　to　approve　or　to