第13部分(第1/7 頁)

empty house； occasionally leaning toward the candlestick； in the flickering

light　of　the　dim　candle；　I　y　beloved’s　angry

letters； the somersaults they turned trying to deceive me and their hip…

swinging　right…to…left　progression。　Abruptly；　those　shutters　would　open　before

my eyes； and my beloved’s face and her sorrowful smile would appear。 And

when I saw her real face； I forgot all of those other faces whose sour…cherry

mouths　had　increasingly　matured　and　ripened　in　my　imagination。

In the middle of the night I lost myself in dreams of marriage： I had no

doubts　about　my　love　or　that　it　was　reciprocated—we　were　married　in　a　state

of great contentment—but； my imaginary happiness； set in a house with a

staircase； was dashed when I couldn’t find appropriate work and began

arguing　with　my　wife；　unable　to　make　her　heed　my　words。

I　knew　I’d　appropriated　these　ominous　images　from　the　section　on　the　ills

of　marriage　in　Gazzali’s　The　Revival　of　Religious　Science；　which　I’d　read　during

my　nights　as　a　bachelor　in　Arabia；　at　the　same　time；　I　recalled　that　there　was

actually　advice　on　the　benefits　of　marriage　in　that　same　section；　though　now　I

could　remember　only　two　of　these　benefits：　first；　having　my　household　kept　in

order　（there　was　no　such　order　in　my　imagined　house）；　second；　being　spared

the　guilt　of　self…abuse　and　of　dragging　myself—an　even　deeper　sense　of　guilt—

behind　pimps　leading　me　through　dark　alleyways　to　the　lairs　of　prostitutes。

The　thought　of　salvation　at　this　late　hour　brought　masturbation　to　mind。

With　a　simple…minded　desire；　and　to　rid