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illusory; conceited fulfilment which she had imagined she could

not have with Skrebensky。 Who was she to be wanting some

fantastic fulfilment in her life? Was it not enough that she had

her man; her children; her place of shelter under the sun? Was

it not enough for her; as it had been enough for her mother? She

would marry and love her husband and fill her place simply。 That

was the ideal。

Suddenly she saw her mother in a just and true light。 Her

mother was simple and radically true。 She had taken the life

that was given。 She had not; in her arrogant conceit; insisted

on creating life to fit herself。 Her mother was right;

profoundly right; and she herself had been false; trashy;

conceited。

A great mood of humility came over her; and in this humility

a bondaged sort of peace。 She gave her limbs to the bondage; she

loved the bondage; she called it peace。 In this state she sat

down to write to Skrebensky。

Since you left me I have suffered a great deal; and so have

e to myself。 I cannot tell you the remorse I feel for my

wicked; perverse behaviour。 It was given to me to love you; and

to know your love for me。 But instead of thankfully; on my

knees; taking what God had given me; I must have the moon in my

keeping; I must insist on having the moon for my own。 Because I

could not have it; everything else must go。

I do not know if you can ever forgive me。 I could die with

shame to think of my behaviour with you during our last times;

and I don't know if I could ever bear to look you in the face

again。 Truly the best thing would be for me to die; and cover my

fantasies for ever。 Bu

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