第26部分(第3/7 頁)

ping

my　own　stomach　could

stand　the　sound　and　smell。　Jacob　checked　anxiously　over　his　shoulder　to　make

sure　his　car　wasn't

defiled。

The　road　felt　longer　on　the　way　back。

Jacob　was　quiet；　thoughtful。　He　left　his　arm　around　me；　and　it　was　so　warm

that　the　cold　wind　felt　good。

I　stared　out　the　windshield；　consumed　with　guilt。

It　was　so　wrong　to　encourage　Jacob。　Pure　selfishness。　It　didn't　matter　that

I'd　tried　to　make　my　position

clear。　If　he　felt　any　hope　at　all　that　this　could　turn　into　something　other

than　friendship；　then　I　hadn't　been

clear　enough。

How　could　I　explain　so　that　he　would　understand？　I　was　an　empty　shell。　Like　a

vacant

house—condemned—for　months　I'd　been　utterly　uninhabitable。　Now　I　was　a

little　improved。　The　front

room　was　in　better　repair。　But　that　was　all—just　the　one　small　piece。　He

deserved　better　than

that—better　than　a　one…room；　falling…down　fixer…upper。　No　amount　of

investment　on　his　part　could　put

me　back　in　working　order。

Yet　I　knew　that　I　wouldn't　send　him　away；　regardless。　I　needed　him　too　much；

and　I　was　selfish。　Maybe

I　could　make　my　side　more　clear；　so　that　he　would　know　to　leave　me。　The

thought　made　me　shudder；

and　Jacob　tightened　his　arm　around　me。

I　drove　Mike　home　in　his　Suburban；　while　Jacob　followed　behind　us　to　take　me

home。　Jacob　was　quiet

all　the　way　back　to　my　house；　and　I　wondered　if　he　were　thinking　the　same

things　that　I　was。　Maybe　he

was　changing　his　mind。

〃I　would　invite　myself　in；　since　we're　early；〃　he　said　as　we　pulled　up　next　to

my　truck。　〃But　I　think　you

might　be　right　about　the　f