第15部分(第2/7 頁)

nd　the　edges　of　the　hole　in　my　chest。　I　took　one　hand　from

the　steering　wheel　and

wrapped　it　around　my　torso　to　hold　it　in　one　piece。

It　will　be　as　if　I'd　never　existed。　The　words　ran　through　my　head；　lacking　the

perfect　clarity　of　my

hallucination　last　night。　They　were　just　words；　soundless；　like　print　on　a

page。　Just　words；　but　they　ripped

the　hole　wide　open；　and　I　stomped　on　the　brake；　knowing　I　should　not　drive

while　this　incapacitated。

I　curled　over；　pressing　my　face　against　the　steering　wheel　and　trying　to

breathe　without　lungs。

I　wondered　how　long　this　could　last。　Maybe　someday；　years　from　now—if　the

pain　would　just　decrease

to　the　point　where　I　could　bear　it—I　would　be　able　to　look　back　on　those　few

short　months　that　would

always　be　the　best　of　my　life。　And；　if　it　were　possible　that　the　pain　would

ever　soften　enough　to　allow　me

to　do　that；　I　was　sure　that　I　would　feel　grateful　for　as　much　time　as　he'd

given　me。　More　than　I'd　asked

for；　more　than　I'd　deserved。　Maybe　someday　I'd　be　able　to　see　it　that　way。

But　what　if　this　hole　never　got　any　better？　If　the　raw　edges　never　healed？　If

the　damage　was　permanent

and　irreversible？

I　held　myself　tightly　together。　As　if　he'd　never　existed；　I　thought　in

despair。　What　a　stupid　and

impossible　promise　to　make！　He　could　steal　my　pictures　and　reclaim　his　gifts；

but　that　didn't　put　things

back　the　way　they'd　been　before　I'd　met　him。　The　physical　evidence　was　the

most　insignificant　part　of　the

equation。　I　was　changed；　my　insides　altered　almost　past　the　point　of

recognition。　Even　my　outsides

looked　different—my　face　s