第12部分(第5/7 頁)

haze　as　I　turned　to　my　closet。　The　numbness　was　more

essential　in　some　places　than　in

others。　I　barely　registered　what　I　was　looking　at　as　I　slid　the　door　aside　to

reveal　the　pile　of　rubbish　on

the　left　side　of　my　closet；　under　the　clothes　I　never　wore。

My　eyes　did　not　stray　toward　the　black　garbage　bag　that　held　my　present　from

that　last　birthday；　did　not

see　the　shape　of　the　stereo　where　it　strained　against　the　black　plastic；　I

didn't　think　of　the　bloody　mess

my　nails　had　been　when　I'd　finished　clawing　it　out　of　the　dashboard。

I　yanked　the　old　purse　I　rarely　used　off　the　nail　it　hung　from；　and　shoved　the

door　shut。

Just　then　I　heard　a　horn　honking。　I　swiftly　traded　my　wallet　from　my　schoolbag

into　the　purse。　I　was　in　a

hurry；　as　if　rushing　would　somehow　make　the　night　pass　more　quickly。

I　glanced　at　myself　in　the　hall　mirror　before　I　opened　the　door；　arranging　my

features　carefully　into　a　smile

and　trying　to　hold　them　there。

〃Thanks　for　ing　with　me　tonight；〃　I　told　Jess　as　I　climbed　into　the

passenger　seat；　trying　to　infuse　my

tone　with　gratitude。　It　had　been　a　while　since　I'd　really　thought　about　what　I

was　saying　to　anyone

besides　Charlie。　Jess　was　harder。　I　wasn't　sure　which　were　the　right　emotions

to　fake。

〃Sure。　So；　what　brought　this　on？〃　Jess　wondered　as　she　drove　down　my　street。

〃Brought　what　on？〃

〃Why　did　you　suddenly　decide　to　go　out？〃　It　sounded　like　she　changed　her

question　halfway　through。

I　shrugged。　〃Just　needed　a　change。〃

I　recognized　the　song　on　the　radio　then；　and　quickly　reached　for　the　dial。　〃Do

you　mind？〃　I　asked。

〃No；　go　ahead。〃