第61部分(第3/7 頁)

ea　of　any　of　this。　I　feel　sick；　sick　to

my　core；　even　now；　when　I　can

see　and　feel　you　safe　in　my　arms。　I　am　the　most　miserable　excuse　for—〃

〃Stop；〃　I　interrupted　him。　He　stared　at　me　with　agonized　eyes；　and　I　tried　to

find　the　right　words—the

words　that　would　free　him　from　this　imagined　obligation　that　caused　him　so

much　pain。　They　were　very

hard　words　to　say。　I　didn't　know　if　I　could　get　them　out　without　breaking

down。　But　I　had　to　try　to　do　it

right。　I　didn't　want　to　be　a　source　of　guilt　and　anguish　in　his　life。　He

should　be　happy；　no　matter　what　it

cost　me。

I'd　really　been　hoping　to　put　off　this　part　of　our　last　conversation。　It　was

going　to　bring　things　to　an　end　so

much　sooner。

Drawing　on　all　my　months　of　practice　with　trying　to　be　normal　for　Charlie；　I

kept　my　face　smooth。

〃Edward；〃　I　said。　His　name　burned　my　throat　a　little　on　the　way　out。　I　could

feel　the　ghost　of　the　hole；

waiting　to　rip　itself　wide　again　as　soon　as　he　disappeared。　I　didn't　quite　see

how　I　was　going　to　survive　it

this　time。　〃This　has　to　stop　now。　You　can't　think　about　things　that　way。　You

can't　let　this　this　guilt

rule　your　life。　You　can't　take　responsibility　for　the　things　that　happen　to　me

here。　None　of　it　is　your　fault；

it's　just　part　of　how　life　is　for　me。　So；　if　I　trip　in　front　of　a　bus　or

whatever　it　is　next　time；　you　have　to

realize　that　it's　not　your　job　to　take　the　blame。　You　can't　just　go　running

off　to　Italy　because　you　feel　bad

that　you　didn't　save　me。　Even　if　I　had　jumped　off　that　cliff　to　die；　that

would　have　been　my　choice；　and

not　your　fault。　I　know　it's　your　your