第82部分(第5/7 頁)

　is　to　live　without　him　now：　nothing　so　absurd；　so　weak　as　to　drag　on　from　day　to　day；　as　if　I　were　waiting　some　impossible　change　in　circumstances；　which　might　reunite　me　to　him。　Of　course　（as　St。　John　once　said）　I　must　seek　another　interest　in　life　to　replace　the　one　lost：　is　not　the　occupation　he　now　offers　me　truly　the　most　glorious　man　can　adopt　or　God　assign？　Is　it　not；　by　its　noble　cares　and　sublime　results；　the　one　best　calculated　to　fill　the　void　left　by　uptorn　affections　and　demolished　hopes？　I　believe　I　must　say；　Yes—and　yet　I　shudder。　Alas！　If　I　join　St。　John；　I　abandon　half　myself：　if　I　go　to　India；　I　go　to　premature　death。　And　how　will　the　interval　between　leaving　England　for　India；　and　India　for　the　grave；　be　filled？　Oh；　I　know　well！　That；　too；　is　very　clear　to　my　vision。　By　straining　to　satisfy　St。　John　till　my　sinews　ache；　I　shall　satisfy　him—to　the　finest　central　point　and　farthest　outward　circle　of　his　expectations。　If　I　do　go　with　him—　if　I　do　make　the　sacrifice　he　urges；　I　will　make　it　absolutely：　I　will　throw　all　on　the　altar—heart；　vitals；　the　entire　victim。　He　will　never　love　me；　but　he　shall　approve　me；　I　will　show　him　energies　he　has　not　yet　seen；　resources　he　has　never　suspected。　Yes；　I　can　work　as　hard　as　he　can；　and　with　as　little　grudging。

“Consent；　then；　to　his　demand　is　possible：　but　for　one　item—one　dreadful　item。　It　is—that　he　asks　me　to　be　his　wife；　and　has　no　more　of　a　husband’s　heart　for　me　than　that　frowning　giant　of　a　rock；　down　which　the　stream　is　foaming　in　yonder　gorge。　He　prizes　me　as　a　soldier　would　a　good　weapon；　and　that　is　all。　Unmarried　to　him；　this　would　never　grieve　me；　but　can　I　let　him　plete　his　calculations—coolly　put　into　practice　his　plans—go　through　the　wedding　ceremony？　Can　I　receive　from　him　the　bridal　rin