第3部分(第5/7 頁)

　whom　I　held　converse。　It　was　never　my　instinct　to　look　for　help；　to　seek　favour　for　advancement；　whatever　step　I　gained　was　gained　by　my　own　strength。　Even　as　I　disregarded　favour　so　did　I　scorn　advice；　no　counsel　would　I　ever　take　but　that　of　my　own　brain　and　heart。　More　than　once　I　was　driven　by　necessity　to　beg　from　strangers　the　means　of　earning　bread；　and　this　of　all　my　experiences　was　the　bitterest；　yet　I　think　I　should　have　found　it　worse　still　to　incur　a　debt　to　some　friend　or　rade。　The　truth　is　that　I　have　never　learnt　to　regard　myself　as　a　〃member　of　society。〃　For　me；　there　have　always　been　two　entities……myself　and　the　world；　and　the　normal　relation　between　these　two　has　been　hostile。　Am　I　not　still　a　lonely　man；　as　far　as　ever　from　forming　part　of　the　social　order？

This；　of　which　I　once　was　scornfully　proud；　seems　to　me　now；　if　not　a　calamity；　something　I　would　not　choose　if　life　were　to　live　again。

IX

For　more　than　six　years　I　trod　the　pavement；　never　stepping　once　upon　mother　earth……for　the　parks　are　but　pavement　disguised　with　a　growth　of　grass。　Then　the　worst　was　over。　Say　I　the　worst？　No；　no；　things　far　worse　were　to　e；　the　struggle　against　starvation　has　its　cheery　side　when　one　is　young　and　vigorous。　But　at　all　events　I　had　begun　to　earn　a　living；　I　held　assurance　of　food　and　clothing　for　half　a　year　at　a　time；　granted　health；　I　might　hope　to　draw　my　not　insufficient　wages　for　many　a　twelvemonth。　And　they　were　the　wages　of　work　done　independently；　when　and　where　I　would。　I　thought　with　horror　of　lives　spent　in　an　office；　with　an　employer　to　obey。　The　glory　of　the　career　of　letters　was　its　freedom；　its　dignity！

The　fact　of　the　matter　was；　of　course；　that　I　served；　not　one　master；　but　a　whole　crowd　of　them。　Independence；　fors