第98部分(第5/7 頁)

into a mirror and erasing and reworking； I was unable to achieve a good

resemblance；　still；　I　felt　unbridled　elation　because　the　picture　not　only　situated

me at the center of a vast world； but for some unaccountable and diabolic

reason；　it　made　me　appear　more　profound；　plicated　and　mysterious　than　I

actually　was。　I　wanted　only　that　my　artist　brethren　recognize；　understand　and

share　in　my　exuberance。　I　was　both　the　center　of　everything；　like　a　sultan　or　a

king；　and；　at　the　same　time；　myself。　The　situation　fed　my　pride　as　it　increased

my　embarrassment。　Finally　these　two　feelings　balanced　each　other；　and　I　was

able　to　relax　and　take　dizzying　pleasure　in　the　picture。　But　for　this　pleasure　to

be plete； I knew every mark on my face and shirt； all of the wrinkles；

shadows；　moles　and　boils；　every　detail　from　my　whiskers　to　the　weave　of　my

clothes　and　all　their　colors　in　all　their　shades　had　to　be　perfect；　down　to　the

minutest　details；　as　much　as　the　skill　of　Frankish　painters　would　allow。

I noted in the faces of my old panions fear； bewilderment and the

inescapable　feeling　devouring　us　all：　jealousy。　Along　with　the　angry　revulsion

they　felt　toward　a　man　hopelessly　mired　in　sin；　they　were　also　envious。

430

“During　the　nights　I　spent　here　staring　at　this　picture　by　the　light　of　an　oil

lamp；　I　felt　for　the　first　time　that　God　had　forsaken　me　and　only　Satan　would

befriend me in my isolation；” I said。 “I know that even if I were truly the

center of the world—and each time I looked at the picture this is precisely

what I wanted—despite the splendor of t