第97部分(第4/7 頁)

lege。 Yet in none of those pieces could I sense

anything contrary to religion； any faithlessness； impiety or even the vaguest

illicitness。　Did　you　sense　anything　of　the　sort？”

My　eyes　had　almost　imperceptibly　lost　strength；　but　thank　God；　I　could　see

enough　to　kno　pause。

“You cannot be certain； can you？” I said； gloating。 “Even if you secretly

believe　that　the　blemish　of　blasphemy　or　the　shadow　of　sacrilege　exists　in　the

pictures　we’ve　made；　you　could　never　accept　this　belief　and　express　it；　because

this　would　be　equivalent　to　giving　credence　to　the　zealots　and　Erzurumis　who

oppose and accuse you。 On the other hand； you cannot claim with any

conviction　that　you’re　as　innocent　as　freshly　fallen　snow；　because　this　would

mean giving up both the dizzying pride and refined self…congratulation of

engaging in a secretive； mysterious and forbidden act。 Do you know how I

became　aware　that　I　was　behaving　pretentiously　in　this　way？　By　bringing　poor

Elegant　Effendi　to　this　dervish　lodge　in　the　middle　of　the　night！　I　brought　him

here with the excuse that we’d nearly frozen walking the streets so long。 In

actuality；　it　pleased　me　to　show　him　I　was　a　free…thinking　Kalenderi　throwback；

or　worse　yet；　that　I　aspired　to　be　a　Kalenderi。　When　Elegant　understood　I　was

the last of the followers of a dervish order based on pederasty； hashish

consumption； vagrancy and all manner of aberrant behavior； I thought he’d

fear and respect me even more； and in turn； be intimidated into silence。 As

fate would have it； the exact opposite happ