第87部分(第3/7 頁)

nurse everybody

and　cook　for　the　whole　world。　After　I　understood　to　some　extent　what　it　was

like　to　have　breasts；　I　stuffed　my　chest　with　whatever　I　could　find—socks　and

washcloths—so　I　might　understand　what　really　made　me　curious：　how　it　felt

to　be　a　large…breasted　woman。　When　I　saw　these　huge　protrusions；　yes；　I　admit

it； I was as proud as Satan。 I understood at once that men； merely catching

sight　of　the　shadow　of　my　overabundant　breasts；　would　chase　after　them　and

strive　to　take　them　into　their　mouths；　I　felt　quite　powerful；　but　is　that　what　I

wanted？　I　was　befuddled：　I　wanted　both　to　be　powerful　and　to　be　the　object　of

pity；　I　wanted　a　rich；　powerful　and　intelligent　man；　whom　I　didn’t　know　from

Adam；　to　fall　madly　in　love　with　me；　yet　I　also　feared　such　a　man。　Sliding　on

the　bracelets　made　of　twisted　gold　that　my　mother　hid　at　the　bottom　of　her

trousseau　chest　next　to　the　sheets　embroidered　with　leafy　designs；　in　lavender…

scented　wool　socks；　applying　the　rouge　with　which　she　brightened　her　cheeks

on the way back from the public baths； donning my aunt’s evergreen cloak

and putting on the thin veil of the same color after gathering up my hair； I

stared　at　myself　in　the　mirror　with　the　mother…of…pearl　frame；　and　shuddered。

Although　I　hadn’t　touched　them；　my　eyes　and　eyelashes　had　bee　those　of

a　woman。　Only　my　eyes　and　cheeks　were　exposed；　but　I　was　an　extraordinarily

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attractive woman and this made me very happy。 My manliness； which took

note　of　this　fact　before　even　I　had；　was　erect。　Naturally；　this　upset　me。

In　the　hand　mirror　I　held；　I　watched　a　teardrop　s