第2部分(第7/7 頁)

deludedly　hoped　he　was。　He　would　have　been

clever；　and　capable　of　being　a　gentleman。　It　was　her

aspiration　for　him；　therefore　he　knew　it　as　the　true　aspiration

for　any　boy。　But　you　can't　make　a　silk　purse　out　of　a　sow's　ear；

as　he　told　his　mother　very　early；　with　regard　to　himself；　much

to　her　mortification　and　chagrin。

When　he　got　to　school；　he　made　a　violent　struggle　against　his

physical　inability　to　study。　He　sat　gripped；　making　himself　pale

and　ghastly　in　his　effort　to　concentrate　on　the　book；　to　take　in

what　he　had　to　learn。　But　it　was　no　good。　If　he　beat　down　his

first　repulsion；　and　got　like　a　suicide　to　the　stuff；　he　went

very　little　further。　He　could　not　learn　deliberately。　His　mind

simply　did　not　work。

In　feeling　he　was　developed；　sensitive　to　the　atmosphere

around　him；　brutal　perhaps；　but　at　the　same　time　delicate；　very

delicate。　So　he　had　a　low　opinion　of　himself。　He　knew　his　own

limitation。　He　knew　that　his　brain　was　a　slow　hopeless

good…for…nothing。　So　he　was　humble。

But　at　the　same　time　his　feelings　were　more　discriminating

than　those　of　most　of　the　boys；　and　he　was　confused。　He　was　more

sensuously　developed；　more　refined　in　instinct　than　they。　For

their　mechanical　stupidity　he　hated　them；　and　suffered　cruel

contempt　for　them。　But　when　it　came　to　mental　things；　then　he

was　at　a　disadvantage。　He　was　at　their　mercy。　He　was　a　fool。　He

had　not　the　power　to　controvert　even　the　most　stupid　argument；

so　that　he　was　forced　to　admit　things　he　did　not　in　the　least

be