第5部分(第3/7 頁)

Ilkeston？　There　was　nothing　in　it　he　wanted。

Yet　could　he　ever　get　out　of　it？　Was　there　anything　in　himself

that　would　carry　him　out　of　it？　Or　was　he　a　dunderheaded　baby；

not　man　enough　to　be　like　the　other　young　fellows　who　drank　a

good　deal　and　wenched　a　little　without　any　question；　and　were

satisfied。

He　went　on　stubbornly　for　a　time。　Then　the　strain　became　too

great　for　him。　A　hot；　accumulated　consciousness　was　always　awake

in　his　chest；　his　wrists　felt　sind

became　full　of　lustful　images；　his　eyes　seemed　blood…flushed。　He

fought　with　himself　furiously；　to　remain　normal。　He　did　not　seek

any　woman。　He　just　went　on　as　if　he　were　normal。　Till　he　must

either　take　some　action　or　beat　his　head　against　the　wall。

Then　he　went　deliberately　to　Ilkeston；　in　silence；　intent　and

beaten。　He　drank　to　get　drunk。　He　gulped　down　the　brandy；　and

more　brandy；　till　his　face　became　pale；　his　eyes　burning。　And

still　he　could　not　get　free。　He　went　to　sleep　in　drunken

unconsciousness；　woke　up　at　four　o'clock　in　the　morning　and

continued　drinking。　He　would　get　free。　Gradually　the

tension　in　him　began　to　relax。　He　began　to　feel　happy。　His

riveted　silence　was　unfastened；　he　began　to　talk　and　babble。　He

was　happy　and　at　one　with　all　the　world；　he　was　united　with　all

flesh　in　a　hot　blood…relationship。　So；　after　three　days　of

incessant　brandy…drinking；　he　had　burned　out　the　youth　from　his

blood；　he　had　achieved　this　kindled　state　of　oneness　with　all

the　world；　which　is　the　end　of　youth's　most　passionate　desire。

But　he　had　achieved　his　satisfaction　by　obliterating　his　own

individuality；　that　which　it　depended　on