第10部分(第3/7 頁)

ear　it。　She

would　rather　remain　out　of　life；　than　be　torn；　mutilated　into

this　birth；　which　she　could　not　survive。　She　had　not　the

strength　to　e　to　life　now；　in　England；　so　foreign；　skies　so

hostile。　She　knew　she　would　die　like　an　early；　colourless；

scentless　flower　that　the　end　of　the　winter　puts　forth

mercilessly。　And　she　wanted　to　harbour　her　modicum　of　twinkling

life。

But　a　sunshiny　day　came　full　of　the　scent　of　a　mezereon　tree；

when　bees　were　tumbling　into　the　yellow　crocuses；　and　she

forgot；　she　felt　like　somebody　else；　not　herself；　a　new　person；

quite　glad。　But　she　knew　it　was　fragile；　and　she　dreaded　it。　The

vicar　put　pea…flower　into　the　crocuses；　for　his　bees　to　roll　in；

and　she　laughed。　Then　night　came；　with　brilliant　stars　that　she

knew　of　old；　from　her　girlhood。　And　they　flashed　so　bright；　she

knew　they　were　victors。

She　could　neither　wake　nor　sleep。　As　if　crushed　between　the

past　and　the　future；　like　a　flower　that　es　above…ground　to

find　a　great　stone　lying　above　it；　she　was　helpless。

The　bewilderment　and　helplessness　continued；　she　was

surrounded　by　great　moving　masses　that　must　crush　her。　And　there

was　no　escape。　Save　in　the　old　obliviousness；　the　cold　darkness

she　strove　to　retain。　But　the　vicar　showed　her　eggs　in　the

thrush's　nest　near　the　back　door。　She　saw　herself　the

mother…thrush　upon　the　nest；　and　the　way　her　wings　were　spread；

so　eager　down　upon　her　secret。　The　tense；　eager；　nesting　wings

moved　her　beyond　endurance。　She　thought　of　them　in　the　morning；

when　she　heard　the　thrush　whistling　as　he　got　up；　and　she

thought；　〃Why　didn't　I　die　out　there；　why　am　I